The Spielberging Of Nature, Part 2: Terrorist-Fighting Fish In, Stop, Or My Fish Will Shoot!
Up to now, the bluegill fish has been harmless fodder for children with fishing poles sitting on the edges of ponds. But recently they’ve been enlisted in the most important war against an abstract idea ever – the War On Terror. Three major cities – San Francisco, New York and Washington - are using bluegills, also know as sunfish or bream, but sunfish kind of makes them sound prettier than they are and bream just sounds stupid, so let’s stick with bluegills, as an early-warning signal for potential threats to drinking water.
Like a canary in a coalmine, the fish react very early to any hazardous chemicals they encounter with changes in breathing and swimming patterns. Small holding tanks with the fish are replenished and computers monitor their response. While presumably the water from the tanks doesn’t end up back in the main water supply of the cities, that doesn’t mean I can make fun of them anyway. Hey, San Francisco, New York and Washington – you like to drink fish water.
“It provides us an added level of detection of the unknown,” said Tony Winnicker, a spokesman for the city's Public Utilities Commission. “There's no computer that's as sophisticated as a living being.”
Unless it’s ROBOFISH! The crime-fighting half machine-half fish out to save civilization! He was an ordinary beat cop in the municipal water supply until a showdown with Islamic terrorist turtles left him clinging to life, and when a controversial surgical procedure grafted his fish head onto a killer robot body, he was resurrected as… naw, forget it. Stupid idea.